I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
