We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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