You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
