My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.