I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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