I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
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My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
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if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash