I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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