3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
