thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
