And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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