Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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