My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
