enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
