Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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