A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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