she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
