What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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