Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
