I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
