I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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