Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
