you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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