i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
