if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
