i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
