im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
