i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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