The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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