I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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