remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
