true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
