i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
