In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
