In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
organizing the empties. That sober.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
