At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
