If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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