i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
