Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.