there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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