walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
