her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
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I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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