The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
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Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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