Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
