Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
