Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
