Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
