If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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