It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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