Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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