Heybabeimwearingurpanties
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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