im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
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Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
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We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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