I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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