He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
