mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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