I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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