You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My feet surprised me
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