By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
